Instruction manuals lead a very difficult life. No sooner had they been freed from the dark confines of a cardboard box than to be arrogantly tossed over the shoulder and left to die alone in a drawer somewhere. It's a thankless existence, one that clearly illustrates the many injustices in the world. After all, it's only trying to help you.With that in mind, we've decided to give one particular manual its due, namely the one belonging to the DS Lite. Having astutely analyzed each page, we now present to you the unaltered facts:
- The DS Lite can cause seizures. Unfortunately, the guidelines offered in this regard don't quite seem to match with the DS' design. Sitting or standing "as far away from the screen as possible" might be somewhat limited by the length of your arms, though it certainly explains that guy you saw holding his DS like it was trying to bite his face off.
- The DS Lite will kill your grandfather. Bringing the DS and its extremely deadly wireless signals within 9 inches of a pacemaker is considered to be an excellent way of speeding along that inheritance.
- The DS Lite does not contain latex. This is probably important.
- A GBA Slot Cover is included. Perfect for keeping out unwanted debris and your copy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
- The stylus slides in horizontally on the right-hand side of the DS. It also slides out. Very clever.
- The Wrist Strap is no longer included. Instead, we suggest you make the DS Lite into an expensive keychain holder.
- On the lowest screen brightness setting, the battery should last 15-19 hours. Though we've read that spending that much time beneath a powerful flourescent light will make you go bald.
- On the brightest setting, it'll last 5-8 hours. Perfect to occupy you in-between PSP firmware upgrades.
- The Lower Screen is touch-sensitive. What a ridiculous gimmick. That'll never work.
- The DS Lite AC Adapter ONLY works with the DS Lite. And vice versa. Your old DS car charger be damned.
- Only use a Nintendo-licensed stylus. Obscenely long fingernails and knitting needles aren't nearly as accurate.
- Pictochat is still not an internet application. But you can still draw a funny penis if you want.
- One of 4 brightness levels can be enabled via the main menu. Sadly, this only applies to the screen, not the people around you.
- When removing a GBA pak from the GBA slot, push it out with your thumb. Using any other finger will result in instant death.
- Optimum battery performance requires the surroundings to be kept above 50 degrees. Storing your DS next to the beer in the fridge is convenient, but technically frowned upon.
- Games that don't support wireless play cannot be played wirelessly. How true!
- There is a workaround for when the touch screen doesn't work. Try poking the bottom screen instead.
- When in doubt, read the instruction manual. Quite possibly the best advice we've ever seen.
[Via Joystiq, thanks mandarin!]
1. If only the PSP manual was this great
Posted at 6:48PM on Feb 9th 2006 by PHERK 0 stars