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Joystiq presents

Japanese hardware sales, 31 July - 6 August: heavy meta

Though we may frequently appear to be aloof, apathetic or altogether addicted to awe-inspiring alliteration, the Joystiq crew is actually attentively attuned to the needs of its readers and commenters. We know what you want, and what you want is what we know -- that is to say, we'll teach you how to make an official Joystiq Japanese sales chart post in the comfort of your very own home!

Step 1: Create a terrible introductory paragraph

The introductory paragraph helps ease the reader into the wealth of information provided by one of these posts. It functions like a soft mattress placed in-between the reader and the pit of rusty nails that is the weekly onslaught of numbers. Make sure that the introductory paragraph is self-referential, wildly incoherent and not even remotely related to the actual sales numbers. You may introduce a second paragraph if you feel the mattress needs to be thicker, though it's recommended that you implement a silly allegory to maintain interest and "humor."

A third paragraph, however, is most certainly not recommended. It will only serve to anger those that are eager to reach the actual information.

Step 2: Insert the sales information obtained from Media Create:

The ranking, according to number of units sold:

- DS Lite: 163,572 13,281 (7.51%)
- PSP: 49,352 6,748 (15.84%)
- PS2: 25,987 464 (1.75%)
- GBA SP: 2,784 555 (24.90%)
- Game Boy Micro: 1,928 162 (9.17%)
- Xbox 360: 1,389 857 (38.16%)
- DS Phat: 1,159 371 (24.25%)
- Gamecube: 904 135 (12.99%)
- GBA: 34 25 (277.77%)
- Xbox: 14 3 (27.27%)

Step 3: Create a final paragraph (must be worse than introductory paragraph)

In your final paragraph, you may opt to analyze the week's sales trends (the Xbox is always a hilarious topic), possibly referring to coinciding NPD reports or pointing out how the DS Lite outsells everything, in the universe, ever. Alternatively, you may use it as a denouement to any running jokes you regrettably started in Step 1.

[Source: Media Create]

Japanese hardware sales, 24 July - 30 July: incredibly incalculable increase

Just as several wily commenters predicted last week, the original Xbox suddenly (and quite mysteriously) experiences a sales increase over its impressive tally of zero this week. The resulting percentage rise is so incredibly gargantuan and intimidating that it simply cannot be comprehended by the human mind, at least not without the aid of divine omnipotence or persistant alcohol poisoning. The ranking, according to number of units sold:

- DS Lite: 176,853 85,600 (32.62%)
- PSP: 42,604 6,666 (18.55%)
- PS2: 26,451 4,163 (18.68%)
- Xbox 360: 2,246 774 (52.58%)
- GBA SP: 2,229 724 (24.52%)
- Game Boy Micro: 1,766 356 (25.25%)
- DS Phat: 1,530 4,814 (75.88%)
- Gamecube: 1,039 37 (3.44%)
- Xbox: 11 11 (infinite)
- GBA: 9 11 (55.00%)

Other points of interest this week include the Xbox 360's flirtation with the fourth position in the charts (and the huge gap between it and the PS2), the DS Phat's return to unpopular status and the vaguely demonic number of new PSP owners.

[Source: Media Create]

Japanese hardware sales, 17 July - 23 July: bad comparison week

The most interesting parts of this week's chart reside at the very top and at the very bottom, much like a decapitated body with Lamborghinis for feet. Nintendo's magical, dual-screened device continues to dominate Japan, raking in the cash like a pickpocket with eight magnetic arms. The ranking, according to number of units sold:

- DS Lite: 262,453 121,595 (86.32%)
- PSP: 35,938 655 (1.86%)
- PS2: 22,288 1,639 (6.85%)
- DS Phat: 6,344 5,477 (46.33%)
- GBA SP: 2,953 334 (12.75%)
- Xbox 360: 1,472 367 (33.21%)
- Game Boy Micro: 1,410 171 (10.82%)
- Gamecube: 1,076 148 (15.95%)
- GBA: 20 8 (28.57%)
- Xbox: 0 10 (100.00%)

It's as clear as Daniel Day-Lewis' acting ability -- while the DS Lite enjoys brisk sales that trump the rest of the chart combined more than three times over, the Xbox finally languishes in the lowest point possible. Its performance in this part of the world may not have been entirely deserved, but it still turned out to be more embarassing than a discus-throwing competition where each disc has been replaced by a custard pie.

(Worst. Comparisons. Ever.)

[Source: Media Create]

G4TV smashes DS Lite, remaining credibility

In this episode of Attack of the Show, the intrepid G4TV crew tackles that touchy issue of exploding (slight exaggeration) DS Lite hinges. Perhaps unsurprisingly, they handle the topic with all the finesse and class of a walrus falling out a hot air balloon. In fact, the video of an actual walrus plummeting towards the earth would likely hold more value than a guy smashing a DS Lite. Lowest common denominator, here we come.

Note: Nintendo has since pledged to repair the affected DS Lites for free.

[Thanks Kevin!]

Pile on: Contact takes a jab at Sony meme

1UP's Jeremy Parish was kind enough to post the above picture on his blog, reminding us all that the lifetime of a particularly stinging internet meme is likely to extend beyond that of a mere mortal. The depicted DS game is Contact, an Earthbound-ish RPG from Atlus, one of the few developers that can don the "quirky" tag with pride even as they bounce around a drunken cosplay party. Our first instinct was to question Tomm Hulett, the man in charge of the game's localization, regarding the whereabouts of his elbow in relation to Sony's battered ribs.

"I'll be honest, I can't really speak for the Professor. He has a mind of his own, and he's sure to say all manner of crazy things as you play through Contact. It certainly seems like he's up on his gaming news, though, doesn't it? I have heard that battles in Contact ARE based on actual battles which took place in space, though, so who knows."

Tomm confirmed the presence of crabs in the game, though didn't specify if they were of the "giant enemy" variety as commonly found in feudal Japan.

Japanese hardware sales, 10 July - 16 July: rapid weight gain

It seems Japanese gamers are still maliciously toying with the original DS, kicking it to the bottom of the charts one week and hoisting it back up again the next. Shortages and a shifting focus to the Lite are likely to blame, but we can't help but picture a somewhat nervous and haggard DS Phat staring into a cracked mirror, contemplating whether people want him ... or just want him dead. The ranking, according to number of units sold:

- DS Lite: 140,858 8,596 (5.75%)
- PSP: 35,283 3,324 (10.40%)
- PS2: 23,927 595 (2.55%)
- DS Phat: 11,821 10,812 (1071.56%)
- GBA SP: 2,619 199 (7.06%)
- Game Boy Micro: 1,581 202 (14.65%)
- Xbox 360: 1,105 505 (31.37%)
- Gamecube: 928 6 (0.64%)
- GBA: 28 8 (40.00%)
- Xbox: 10 3 (23.08%)

The PSP continues to do well this week (despite boasting only half as many screens as its main competitor) while the Xbox 360 takes a bit of a tumble. The latter system's fortunes continue to look glum in Japan, a situation that could easily be reversed by one ingenious move -- releasing the console in pink. What else have they got to lose?

[Source: Media Create]

Japanese hardware sales, 3 July - 9 July: paging Rod Serling

There are times when reading the Japanese sales charts can be a decidedly odd and disturbing experience, as if your mind suddenly becomes aware that all is not right in the universe. Like a homicidal clown lurking in a dark corner, this week's situation is certainly amusing, but it's not something you want to come into contact with on a regular basis. It's just wrong. The ranking, according to number of units sold:

- DS Lite: 149,454 4,112 (2.68%)
- PSP: 31,959 6,024 (23.23%)
- PS2: 23,332 199 (0.86%)
- GBA SP: 2,818 101 (3.46%)
- Xbox 360: 1,610 287 (15.13%)
- Game Boy Micro: 1,379 64 (4.44%)
- DS Phat: 1,009 2,495 (71.20%)
- Gamecube: 934 68 (6.79%)
- GBA: 20 3 (17.65%)
- Xbox: 13 5 (62.50%)

Looking at the opposite ends of the list is like glancing into the cackling face of madness (it bears a vague resemblance to Groucho Marx). The DS Lite endures a minor slip, its older sibling takes a complete fall down a set of stairs and the original Xbox experiences the biggest improvement percentage-wise out of the whole lot. Did we enter into some sort of zone where normal things don't happen very often?

[Source: Media Create]

DS Lites invade McDonald's in Times Square

Yesterday, we told you about a series of DS Lite demonstrations being held at various McDonald's joints in New York City. While some of you made the astute observation that the nearby Nintendo World Store made that sort of thing a bit redundant, it didn't stop one of our fellow bloggers, Andrew Yoon, from stopping by and shoving his camera into every available face. The fact that Mr. Yoon writes for PSP Fanboy will be conveniently glossed over.

He summed up the event as follows:
  • "The DS guys aren't timely. They arrived half an hour late."
  • "The games playable include New Super Mario Bros, Tetris DS, True Swing Golf, Brain Age and Big Brain Academy."
  • "Every person that plays will get an iced coffee and cool (but useless) frisbee thing."
  • "It seemed like a success: people asked, 'Where's the nearest Toys R Us?' so they can buy these suckers."
  • "A mom seemed completely entranced by Tetris DS."
Entranced mothers could likely be taken as a good sign for Nintendo's ongoing Touch Generations campaign, and events such as these are a great way of grabbing the attentions of those who call every single gaming device "a Nintendo." More pictures follow in the second part of the post.

Continue reading DS Lites invade McDonald's in Times Square

Sample the DS Lite at an NYC McDonald's

If you live in or around New York City and have yet to part with your old DS in order to embrace the Lite, you may want to stop by a McDonald's in the next few days and try the system out for yourself. Several of the burger joints will have demo units to try out and, if you're lucky (or a rampant kleptomaniac), you might just walk away with a free iced coffee, a handful of Nintendo vouchers or even a DS Lite. These are the times and places you need to barge in:

Thursday, July 13, 2006

12:00 p.m. – 2:00 p.m.

McDonald's restaurant at:
220 West 42nd Street
New York, NY 10036

Friday, July 14th, 2006

12:00 p.m. – 2:00 p.m.
McDonald's restaurant at:
1560 Broadway
New York, NY 10036

4:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m.
McDonald's restaurant at:
427 10th Ave and 34th Street
New York, NY 10001

Wednesday, July 19th, 2006

12:00 p.m. – 2:00 p.m
McDonald's Restaurant at:
946 8th Ave and 56th Street
New York, NY 10019

Just be sure not to get your filthy hamburger grease all over the precious things.

[Thanks to Elicia Baker at MWW.]

Japan gets black DS Lite too, America sulks

Many would gladly offer up their lunch money for an opportunity to get their hands on the coveted black DS Lite, but unfortunately that simply isn't good enough for the Japanese and European schoolyard bullies tossing the sleek device back and forth over the head of a constantly leaping and visibly frustrated America. Nintendo of Japan's official website has been updated to reveal the Jet Black DS Lite which sees release this September, just a few months after Europe got the dark dual-screener.

Unless the Nintendo of America headquarters are equipped with cauldrons of bubbling oil and other defensive devices that deal with vehement rioters, it would seem likely that the darkest Lite won't dally too long before finally landing on North American shores. Rioters keen on seeing the Noble Pink variant, however, will likely have to wait a bit longer. Attacking Nintendo HQ astride unicorns and flinging colorful streamers at the walls has been shown to be decidedly less effective at stirring up interest -- trust us, we found out the hard way.

[Thanks creamsugar!]

Moogle joins Mario Hoops team roster

A recent Famitsu scan seems to indicate that the obscenely colorful cast of Mario Hoops: 3 on 3 will be joined by a fluffy Final Fantasy favorite -- Moogle. Franchise crossovers are always amusing, though we thought that Square Enix would at least have the good sense to toss Quina Quen from Final Fantasy IX in there. We're convinced that Mario would rather have a freakish, grammatically challenged cook on his team as opposed to a little white creature that's probably a bit crap at playing basketball.

[Via 4CR]

Smile for the DS Lite camera [Update 1]

This video depicts a supposedly makeshift camera (which, to be honest, looks a little scary) hooked up to a DS Lite and, thanks to some homebrewin' magic, it starts taking pictures. Barring the horrendous framerate, it seems like an amusing device with equally amusing future applications. The thought of taking a snapshot of someone's face, only to doodle on it with a stylus is pleasing in ways best left unmentioned. Still, there's every chance that it's an elaborate fake, with homebrew software merely displaying some images taken previously with a real camera.

It's hard to make a decision on the legitimacy based solely on this video, though we expect the homebrew crew to quickly show up and put things into focus. Either way, at least we got the whole "doodling on people's faces" imagery out of the deal.

[Thanks Nushio & MikeLacks!]

[Update 1: Check out the originating site here. Thanks David R!]

Screenshot roundup: Tomb Raider: Legend

These Tomb Raider: Legend screenshots certainly needed to be rounded up ... and immediately executed. They're not particularly impressive and the one on the right is notable for not featuring a tomb at all. Still, it's early goings for Lara's return-to-roots portable adventure, and if it's even half as good as the console outings, we'll be satisfied. We'd rather it be just as good, however, controlling well and featuring plenty of evil traps looking to mangle our beloved Lara's limbs. There's every possibility of that happening, but confidence isn't particularly prevalent when it looks like the touch screen seems to have been relegated to yet another glorified inventory menu.

[Via GoNintendo]

Japanese hardware sales, 26 June - 2 July: You've got red on you

Oh, the horror. Be sure to keep angry fanboys and dubiously trained pet bulls away from the monitor this week, as it displays an awful lot of red. Even the mighty DS Lite experiences the strange sensation of slipping, possibly caused by the tight grip of an overweight sibling. The ranking, according to number of units sold:

- DS Lite: 153,566 3,456 (2.20%)
- PSP: 25,935 1,198 (4.84%)
- PS2: 23,133 2,334 (9.16%)
- DS Phat: 3,504 6,628 (65.42%)
- GBA SP: 2,919 829 (21.91%)
- Xbox 360: 1,897 728 (62.28%)
- Game Boy Micro: 1,443 59 (3.93%)
- Gamecube: 1,002 195 (16.29%)
- GBA: 17 8 (32.00%)
- Xbox: 8 2 (20.00%)

As a commenter jokingly suggested last week, it's awfully difficult to resist the temptation of traveling to Japan and purchasing 10,000 Xbox consoles, just to ... exacerbate things.

[Source: Media Create]

DS Fanboy vs. GBA Movie Player

Deep within the recesses of the DS Fanboy labs, the SD version of the GBA Movie Player has been enduring poking, prodding and occasional squeezing for quite some time now, up until the point where failure to post a review would be deemed by many as inappropriate and downright offensive. Doubly so considering that said labs don't actually exist. Compelled by the logo prominently emblazoned all across this site, we mainly tested the device on the Nintendo DS and the DS Lite and were pleased to find that the device performs surprisingly well.

There is a caveat, however, one that should loom over your online purchase like an owl slowly circling a confused mouse, waiting for the opportune moment to swoop down and devour a furry feast. Once you look up and become aware of the bird of prey, you'll be better equipped to determine whether or not the Movie Player is worth your money. Ignoring it will only lead to disappointment which, going by this ill-conceived allegory, means you will get eaten by an owl. A big one.

Essentially, the problem with the GBA Movie player isn't a problem with the GBA Movie player at all. It's that thing it plugs into. As a media playing device, the DS is a bit crap.

Continue reading DS Fanboy vs. GBA Movie Player

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