Gaming sites are inundated with holiday gift guides at the end of the year, listing the best and most popular games that everyone pretty much already has (or knows about). Well, we're not going in for that this year. Our gift guide will help you find the best gifts in categories the other sites won't cover -- because we just made them up.
My secret addiction -- the one that has me wearing only long-sleeved shirts and brushing my teeth before coming home, all to hide its telling signs -- is stylus collecting. I can't get enough of these pen-shaped bits of plastic; I'm cuckoo for them, you could say. Every time I make a Play Asia purchase or collect a preorder bonus, I feel like I've lost another part of me, another vital fragment I'll never have again. I don't know what it feels like to be alive anymore.
I've long moved on from conventional styli, using anything I can get my anxious, shaking hands on, the crazier the better. How else do you think I managed to put together this gift guide for alternative styli? Thumb styli, extendable styli, styli with colorful mascots on them -- you name it, I've tried every single one of them, and they don't do a damn thing for me anymore. Forget about those nonsense accessories and read on for my NSFW roundup of styli presents that will change your life ... for the worse. Joys be thine, suckas.
Q-tips cotton swabsI've noticed a disturbing trend lately at my local movie theatre. The past couple times I've driven over to see a film, I've spotted at least one discarded Q-tip in the parking lot. What kind of person just leaves a used Q-tip in a public area like that? What if someone were to trip and accidentally land face-first on it? And why not clean your ears out at home instead of waiting until two minutes before you go in to see Beowulf?! Also, Beowulf is a horrible movie -- was it really worth cleaning your ears for?
Uh, anyway, here are three reasons why a Q-tip makes for a great stylus:
- The soft cotton at the end ensures that it won't scratch up the DS's touchscreen
- Because of its revolutionary dual-tipped design, either side of the stick can be used
- You can buy a pack of 500 Q-tips for only $4.50, give one to your friend as a gift, then keep the rest for yourself
Jackhammer Jesus (NSFW)
No need for a lengthy back story on why I have one of these; let's just move on to the four reasons why you should consider this potential stylus as a gift:
- If you pay an extra dollar, you can get one that glows in the dark
- Left on your coffee table, Jackhammer Jesus makes for an interesting conversation piece
- It can be used to scare away bloodthirsty vampires
- It can be used to attract sexy vampires
- Priced at $60, it isn't actually cheap at all
- A girthy, silicone dildo isn't an effective stylus
- It is offensive to everyone
- Jesus died for your sins
Golf teeI needed a tame follow-up to Jackhammer Jesus, so here you go. Unlike all of the other suggestions in my guide, this one actually seems sensible. Just don't expect to score with any vampire girls using golf tees as a substitute stylus.
Protip: You can also use the plastic spikes from the peg games that decorate every table at Cracker Barrel. They're pretty much the same thing as golf tees, except you can arrange them by color on a peg board while you sip some sweet tea and wait for your dinner.
Monster in my Pocket NES cart
Hey, remember Konami's Monster in My Pocket, based on the miniature monster figures of the same name? It was a pretty decent co-op brawler back in the day, but you can use it now as a not-so-decent stylus! Just pop the NES game out of its black sleeve and use one of the cartridge's corners with your DS to tap and gesture all you want. The best part? With the cart's four corners, it's like having four styli in one package!
A cat
Eight more
Not satisfied with any of those genius stylus solutions? Maybe one of these eight additional suggestions is what you're looking for. I know that they helped me out when I was hard up for cash and needed something to ease the jitters for just a little bit.
- Dulled toothpick
- Your elbow
- Chair leg
- Joe*
- Cursed monkey paw
- Capri Sun straw
- Tire pressure gauge
- Plastic trim on the end of a shoelace
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
12-12-2007 @ 9:25PM
Blue_Falcon said...
Jackhammer Jesus...
what the hell.
Reply
12-12-2007 @ 9:39PM
RupeeClock said...
All jokes aside, there's a crapload of stylus accessories you can get anyway, and a whole bunch of them are cheap.
Some of them cheaper than those Q-tips.
Reply
12-13-2007 @ 11:42AM
JC Fletcher said...
Why would you put jokes aside?
12-13-2007 @ 1:26PM
RupeeClock said...
Good point.
12-12-2007 @ 10:07PM
gevenstaines said...
meow! i dun wanna play no more!
Reply
12-12-2007 @ 10:15PM
THRILLHO said...
i have the death jr. sickyl stylus, if you were looking for that one, let me know
Reply
12-12-2007 @ 10:30PM
David Hinkle said...
Eric has cemented himself as the greatest video game journalist and blogger of all time. Not only is that cat video permanently bookmarked now, but the Joe Mama joke was the icing on the cake.
If he was in front of me right now, I'd be kissing his rings.
Reply
12-13-2007 @ 3:41PM
Author X said...
I've got to agree. I went through the whole article (being a horrible stylus-collecting addict as well) with a few smirks, especially at the cat video, but the Joe Mama thing just made me lose it and laugh out loud.
12-12-2007 @ 10:32PM
Macha88 said...
Well, you can always use your noodly appendage.
or your pee-pee.
or *GASP* your finger.
Reply
12-12-2007 @ 11:03PM
hvnlysoldr said...
I use a cheap chop stick from Chinese take-out for EBA sessions. Works for everything but Hard Rock. DARN Those little circles!
Reply
12-12-2007 @ 11:29PM
Brittany said...
I too have a stylus addiction that started not too long ago - at first I was kind of meh about additional styli (after all I still have both original ones from my original DS) but then it was the free stylus with preorder thing that gets me - castlevania, pokemon, orcs and elves... and *gasp* the rainbow of free ones you get for doing the brainage 2 survey on nintendo.com!
Reply
12-13-2007 @ 1:09AM
BPM - The Revenge said...
I have now seen the greasy interior of Eric's mind. It is truly a scary place.
Good job!
Reply
12-13-2007 @ 3:34AM
Jezreel said...
Wow, that Jackhammer Jesus truly is one of the most offensive things I have ever seen.
Reply
12-13-2007 @ 4:33AM
Anon said...
Damn. After the Christmas Critters from South Park, I wondered at what point shock value stops being funny and is just meaninglessly disgusting. I have found the answer.
Reply
12-13-2007 @ 5:32AM
Gefrier said...
The tips at the end of shoelaces are called 'aglets'. Their true purpose is sinister.
Reply
12-14-2007 @ 2:09AM
BPM - The Revenge said...
Glad I'm not the only one who remembers the Question's odd lines from Justice League. :D
12-13-2007 @ 5:43AM
Jose El Maton said...
Kitty!!! That was funny, man, especially when you see your hand moving the cat's arm!
Reply
12-13-2007 @ 8:12AM
sears said...
Wow, that was jacked up. Good luck keeping your job after puting that on with a blog that I am sure many underage gamers flock to. Highly irresponsible and morally corrupt.
Reply
12-13-2007 @ 11:08AM
David Hinkle said...
Actually, we're thinking of giving him a raise after this write-up.
Look, it's a joke post. These are ANTI-GUIDES, meant to be a fun read. He was as responsible as he could be in posting this, so if you can't take a joke, sorry.
12-13-2007 @ 1:21PM
Brello said...
Oh stop whining, it had a NSFW disclaimer on it. You knew what you were getting into.