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Joystiq presents

Trouble in Paradise: An Animal Crossing homecoming

It's been over a year and a half since I last visited Paradise, the colorful Animal Crossing town I once called home. I named it Paradise with dreams dancing on my glazed eyes, envisioning the whistle-stop suburb as something I'd one day build and transform into a picturesque city; grass green, girls pretty.

Despite my best intentions, Paradise never really was. Relationships, work, and other games took hold of my time, and a creeping anxiety thickened in me as remembered responsibilities built up with each day spent away. Those days turned to weeks, and eventually, that fog of worry precipitated, leaving a few minutes of light rain in its wake, taking with it my guilt and regrets.

I was at a crossroads in my life recently, and my therapist suggested that I return to Paradise before I made any big decisions. I spent my first afternoon back pulling weeds and chasing bugs out of the house, before flipping through this week's Paradise Press, our local paper, to catch up on town happenings. I was astonished to find that Paradise had been racked by scandal, tragedy, and financial woes.

As the Notorious B.I.G. once rapped in his chronicle of Brooklyn's decline, "Things done changed."

Pelicans call for Mailman Pete's resignation after bathroom arrest

It's been a tough, awkward week for Mailman Pete, underlined today by demands from fellow pelicans for his resignation. Pelly, a co-worker who was once courted by the usually jovial postman, has renounced all ties to Pete, according to insider reports.

This all follows accusations that the water bird was caught trading fossils in the Town Hall's restroom two months ago. Mailman Pete, a vocal opponent against fossil trading, denies that he engaged in any illicit activity, claiming that he plead guilty to the charges last June only to make them "fly away." In a recent press conference, Pete reasoned that he felt pressured by rumors on Paradise's bulletin board suggesting his involvement in several past fossil exchanges.

The incident in question occurred when an undercover guard, Booker, arrested Pete for allegedly making advances to trade fossils with the bulldog officer. Denying that the postman was a victim of entrapment, Booker explained that he was investigating complaints of lewd behavior in the bathroom and a white-feathered creature seen rummaging through the Civic Center's recycling bin.

We were not able to reach mailman Pete for comment.

Search for trapped minors continues

Six children, all underage, remain missing after a pitfall collapse three weeks ago.

Rescuers remain optimistic in spite of several unsuccessful attempts to establish contact with the minors. Shovels in hand, volunteers have been digging around the area nonstop to reach the trapped kids. Not everyone is supportive of their efforts, however. A nearby resident complained, "How am I supposed to catch bugs with all these holes on the ground!"

Mr. Resetti, the main mole behind the rescue operation, seemed exhausted when talking to the press recently, yelling at reporters when asked why he had so far failed to save ... the children ensnared in the pitfall. "You gonna stop messin' with me? I'm down here doing my best to burrow these minors out. What're you doing, punk? Resetti rules!"

Stalks continue to plummet after subprime crisis

Turnip prices plunged yet again today amid reports that Nookington's would be laying off 33% of its work force due to lower-than-expected quarterly profits.

Investors have been watching the department store closely ever since problems with its mishandling of subprime mortgages emerged. As a result of rising interest rates, low-income homeowners across the country haven't been able to meet payments on their high-risk loans, forcing them to either foreclose or take on a demeaning job delivering goods.

Volatility in the stalk market is the least of Tommy Nookling's concerns. Now jobless, the young raccoon repined, "This stinks. Why didn't my brother get laid off, too? I need to save up bells to buy a curly mustache."

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