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Joystiq presents

Japanese Hardware Sales: 1 Jan - 7 Jan: Movie script edition

Do it!FADE IN:


Dimly lit, with a cold, dripping sound in the background. Only a table and a single chair adorn the room. Smoke wafts from a cigarette found in the mouth of a young black detective, expressionless. Off near the door is another detective, even younger. He is twin-screened. He looks slightly nervous.



All right, you know the drill. Bring him in, Lite.

Can you just go easy on him this time, sir?

Just do your job, rookie. I'll take care of the rest.

Lite opens the door, and a young female officer leads in a badly underused digital media player. She unlocks his handcuffs and roughly forces him down into the chair. She nods to PSP, and walks out. Silence fills the air for a few seconds.

I'm not gonna talk ...

You're gonna talk, son. There are no cameras in here, no witnesses. We can play all day.

There's no reason to hold out, Zune. We know about your plans, about Halo Zero, about everything. Just talk, and we can get you out of this.

Look at me. Look, you sunnuva bitch! You know what this is? It's an analog stick, asshole. You think you could compete with this?! You sick motherf--

PSP, stop.

It ... it was all right for awhile. I mean, you guys had your killer apps, and the iPod couldn't really play games ... I mean, Tycho bought me, you know? It felt good. And then that iPhone, and I just looked at myself, I ... oh, God ...

It's all right. We can get Allard on the phone--

(freaking the hell out)
Don't say phone! Don't say it! Cingular sucks! If you say it again ...!

(leaning down, whispering into Zune's ear)

Zune screams in agony, and suddenly pounces on the nearby Lite, tearing and scratching at his touchscreen. A single shot rings out, and Zune falls to the ground, lifeless.

Had it coming. He had it coming, dammit. Punk kid.

Lite shakes his screen in disbelief.

We're done, PSP. I can't do this anymore. Your propietary media, that god-awful rap, and now this ...

I knew you never had what it took.

Lite walks toward to the door, silent, and opens it slowly. He turns back to PSP for a moment, and tosses a document on the desk. It's the weekly sales charts for Japan.

I always had what it took. You just couldn't see it.

- DS Lite: 344,878 168,659 (95.71%)
- Wii: 195,331 98,999 (102.77%)
- PSP: 118,186 49,511 (72.09%)
- PS3: 69,944 1,733 (2.42%)
- PS2: 52,037 13,868 (26.65%)
- Xbox 360: 18,235 1,326 (7.84%)
- Game Boy Micro: 3,311 1,229 (59.03%)
- GBA SP: 2,364621 (35.63%)
- Gamecube: 1,258 411 (32.67%)
- DS Phat: 75 27 (26.47%)
- GBA: 57 6 (11.76%)

[Source: Media Create]

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Reader Comments

(Page 1)

1. like it

Posted at 9:15PM on Jan 12th 2007 by jimbob

2. wow. these hardware sales posts were really bad for awhile, but this one was pretty damn amazing.

Posted at 9:57PM on Jan 12th 2007 by tonedef

3. Wait, isn't the DS just as proprietary as the PSP is? If not more?

Posted at 10:30PM on Jan 12th 2007 by Silver R. Wolfe

4. Silver R. Wolfe (#3): No, not for what it is. As the PSP is something that bills itself as a multimedia multifunction device, it is prohibitively proprietary. The DS (just a game machine), is not as bad as the PSP in this respect.

Posted at 11:40PM on Jan 12th 2007 by Josh

5. .......sooooort of. Although you could say that since it is POSSIBLE to get your own content onto a PSP without specialized hardware, and it isn't for the DS, that the DS has the bigger issue with proprietary media.

Just playing devil's advocate.

Posted at 11:48PM on Jan 12th 2007 by 20XX

6. The Fanboy charts are pretty much as good as the Joystiq charts.

Been taking blogging lessons from Kietzmann, eh Wishnov? If so, they're really paying off!

Posted at 12:20AM on Jan 13th 2007 by BPMΩ

7. I'd say you guys' charts beat Joystiq this time

Posted at 12:38AM on Jan 13th 2007 by raycosm

8. OK, so the DS gaming blog had to find a way to work in some Zune bashing so it could be like the the cool kids. Congratulations.

Posted at 1:15AM on Jan 13th 2007 by John

9. I make no apologies.

Posted at 2:25AM on Jan 13th 2007 by Jason Wishnov

10. Ahaha! Props for that one. Nice.

Posted at 3:13AM on Jan 13th 2007 by Nmaster

11. We saw already it

Posted at 8:03AM on Jan 13th 2007 by XziB

12. That's awesome guys; loved the scene. Also, the software charts are just as amazing as this weeks hardware charts, with Nintendo taking each of the top fifteen spots with Wii and DS games.

With all due respect,

Posted at 11:30AM on Jan 13th 2007 by Fox

13. by the time of now being, so many people own one that you may call it a "people's media".

Posted at 1:05PM on Jan 16th 2007 by fululian

14. Why is it the color of the PSP is noted but not the color of the DS? I guess I'm to assume it was a white or pink DS, huh?
Racist bastard.

Posted at 3:05PM on Jan 17th 2007 by zjoe

15. I like it. Very Funny....

Posted at 11:25AM on Jan 18th 2007 by Laura D.

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